I feel incredibly lonely but simultaneously don't want irl friends. On one side I feel incredibly alone especially when surrounded by other people, and just want people to like me. Everyone I know in person mocks me and I just don't want to feel like a burden and waste of resources. But on the other side, I hate being around people due to anxiety and just being a bit misanthropic and also I don't want people to get close to me. I don't want them to realise I'm empty, a hollow person.
My dad said something yesterday which has been playing on my mind. He said that I "had no real interests and doesn't do much besides reading" and I guess he's right. Sure I like anime and some music but what else is there besides that? And I keep a lot of the anime and music I like a secret because I worry that I'll get mocked for that as well, it's happened before. When I was incredibly into MCR a few years ago I told people and my own parents bullied me for it.
Because of my lack of interests, I don't even know how I would talk to people if I tried to find the courage to do so. Especially when the things I do love, like Lain, is kind of niche offline. And if I did have an irl friend, I wouldn't be able to talk to them about anything or be honest in case they tell my parents something...
It's just annoying. I've only just realised how long I've been like this. Years ago, about four nearly five, I got rid of my D&D stuff just because I had no friends to play with. I thought it was only two years but I guess the time just melted together.
Maybe I am just reading too much into things though. I've ended up binging on sweets today and whilst it went to 350cal and I didn't eat breakfast and lunch to make up for this, but I still feel terrible. I ate too much yesterday as well because my dad forced me to eat a donut. Idk anymore, everything's a mess
I feel like a hypocrite. I'll write essays on things such as self-harm and pro-ana communities saying that they're harmful, and that anyone who struggles with sh and eds need to seek help because of their mental health, but I don't even do that myself. I'm pro-recovery for everything, but I don't want to recover myself and I feel awful for this. I don't want to stop cutting myself, because it's the only thing which makes me feel better. I can't stop restricting the food I eat, because I'm terrified of eating and whenever I eat more than my calorie goal I worry that I'll become fat. I used to wish that I could get better with food, but I can't turn my brain off from counting calories or purging.
And the worst part is that I enjoy harming myself. I love the pain from SH. I love the feeling of starving. I want to destroy myself, I'm just getting worse but I don't care and I don't see why I shouldn't do this. I know it's considered bad to have an ED and SH, I've done research on many mental illnesses and coping mechanisms, I know the psychology, but it's like it doesn't click in my mind. It's bad objectively, but I don't grasp this when it comes to myself. Not eating is terrible, unless I'm inflicting it on myself. Cutting is a terrible coping mechanism and you must seek help asap, unless I'm inflicting it on myself.
I'm pro-recovery, but I don't want to recover because I don't see how recovering even benefits me. I'm doing bad behaviours repeatedly without comprehending why they're actually bad. I'm objectively insane.
Why the heck are my parents arguing about whether or not Ben Shapiro is objectively attractive? They've stopped talking to each other over it and my mum is pissed off with my dad because he thinks Shapiro is good looking.
Average day at my house, I guess
I just got Notes From Underground, excited to read it, I loved Crime And Punishment.
I'm not quite sure why, but DDLC is my comfort game, despite how objectively disturbing it is. I'm currently getting an intense urge to play it.
Haven't updated in a while... oh well. I've been reading Crime and Punishment and I'm enjoying it so far. I've also read the first three volumes of Elfen Lied, which were readable. It's trashy, but a good trash. I've been listening to Japanese indie music lately, and I'm not quite sure why, I usually listen to alt rock but I guess that's just what's speaking to me at the moment.
I'm addressing the emo allegations... I've finally admitted to myself that I am indeed, an emo. I'm no longer in denial. It may be cringe, but cringe is freedom.
I just wish it was the 2010s again. Adventure Time, Minecraft, making Gacha Life animations, Gravity Falls, brainrot which wasn't skibidi toilet...
I've just seen the Minecraft movie trailer... oh lord... that's not Steve, that's Stan. It had me crying with laughter, it has to be on the same level of the Snow White remake trailer.
I'm having another one of those episodes today, like the day before. My body feels floaty, lighter than usual, as though I'm walking on a trampoline all the time. I've gotten my medication to stop acid reflux, but it doesn't exactly do much. It just eases the burning slightly, still incredibly painful though. Not much else that's notable happened today.
As for general thoughts, why is it more fun to have a conversation with myself in my head than actually talk to someone else? Talking to anyone besides myself about my interests or really anything is... boring. I don't know if I'm the only person who's like this though, as people tend to say that it's fun to share your hobbies and talk about them with others.
People are strange. It seems like I'll say something casually, not an insult, but yet people treat it as such. My tone is normal as well, but people get upset. Whenever this happens I always apologise but I never understand what I did wrong... it's never explained to me, and I don't see how what I said is offensive.
Nothing seems real. Again. It doesn't even feel like I'm here. It's third person once again and everyone around me is an NPC.
I keep on hearing this annoying, loud sound which isn't even there.
Why does this keep happening?
Today I found the first 12 episodes of InuYasha on DVD at a thrist shop for only 20p. I also found some Murakami books for cheap.
Forgot to make entries for the last two days. Oh well. Still in an anime rut and I'm (still) spending most of my time bedrotting whilst listening to NIN and Joy Division. I'm managing to get important things done though, so it's not that bad I guess. If it's not bedrotting, it's having a conversation with myself in my head which, to be honest, goes on whilst bedrotting. I find talking to myself much more interesting then talking to other people. Any conversation with anyone is... boring. I prefer living in my own imagination and head than the real world.
But it's finally the start of autumn! Yay! It's my favourite season, but not for pumpkin spice lattes ha. I'm glad it's finally socially acceptable to watch Halloween films. Going to rewatch Over The Garden Wall in October.
I love having a schedule and can't properly work without one, yet my routine has slowly fell apart. I just can't find any motivation. It seems as though all I do now is bedrot whilst listening to NIN and Joy Division -- specific, but true. I'm redoing my schedule and going to get back on track.
I've been in an anime rut lately. I'm currently watching K-On! and Azumanga Daioh, and whilst I'm currently enjoying both, I think that because they're both slice of life, I'm not making much progress with them. I'll begin watching Another soon, maybe a story centric show will break this rut.
On my news with reading, I'm currently reading The Invention Of Sound by Chuck Palahniuk. I love Fight Club so I wonder how I'll find this book. As for my to-be-read, it's The Invisible Man and Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep? I'd also like to try reading Crime and Punishment, but I can't find it at any of the thrift shops near me and I'm too much of a cheapskate to buy it full price. I'll try some libraries near me, but last time I checked they didn't have it.
I also haven't checked any of the above for spelling and grammar errors -- sorry if there are any.
Quitting Dexter. My reasons: the first season is good, but the second one is trash. If I have to see Lila one more time I'll stab myself in my eyes. She's so fucking annoying. The second season was also dull, I have to wonder whether or not it had the same writers. The first season had the drama with the characters, such as Rita's ex getting out of prison, but each episode also had a high amount of the Ice-Truck Killer case in it, balancing each episode out. The second season lacks that and instead has the case as an after-though, a "Oh yeah I forgot we had to do that".
Pros of Dexter:
Cons:
I've been watching Dexter a lot lately.
In a Dinosaurchestra mood today.
I've liked the show Solar Opposites for a while, and I've begun watching the fifth season and I've had enough. The Wall is boring and I don't know why it keeps on getting brought into it. It forces the A and B plots to get compressed into such small sections just so they can keep on doing The Wall. It's a terrible plot line and I have to keep skipping it whenever I watch the show because it's such a bore. Don't even get me started on the Silver Cops plotline. I may have to drop the show at this point.
It's kind of annoying, I don't watch many non-anime TV shows so it's a loss. Now I need to find another way to kill time.
I've been trying to get into metal lately. I'm struggling a bit to find bands I like, but Slipknot, System of a Down and Avenged Sevenfold seem promising.
I honestly prefer the 90's and early/early-ish 2000's anime art style/animation than the 2010's and 2020's animation. It has this nice feeling to it, and the new animation which is supposed to be visually better looks cheap to me.
For a long time now, I keep on feeling like I'm out of reality? Like I'm watching my life and the world from the third-person and that everything is a dream or simulation. It feels like my family are strangers or NPCs in a videogame and like I'm not in my body. It's this disconnect from everything.
Whenever it happens as well, I hear this weird vibration radio-static in my ear which keeps getting louder and louder and all background sounds around me are dulled down, until proper noise happens and it feels painful to hear, like the sound is cutting through my head.
It's terrifying when it happens as well, I don't know what's going on.
I've began watching Azumanga Daioh and K-On!
Will I ever be able to escape the emo allegations? They seem to never stop.
Back in my DDLC hyperfixation! I'm going to make some character analyses soon.
Feeling goofy today.
Lately I've been feeling faint, dizzy and exhausted. It's like my legs can't support my body and I'm nearly falling over when I walk. It could be that I'm undereating or it's caffeine withdrawal. Probably both.
I'll make sure to update the journal more.
I'm really tired today, I'll probably skip dinner. Not hungry anyway.
I've started watching Soul Eater. There's a crippling amount of fanservice but I've heard it gets really good.
Pros of Soul Eater:
Cons:
Okay, yeah I'll continue with it.
I've been attempting to get into more bands, but keep struggling to find anything good.
I've been into screamo lately
I've been researching religion, mainly Christianity, for about a month now. I'm still an atheist, but I find it interesting.
I keep on forgetting to eat
Found an Evangelion shirt today, didn't get it though because it was tie dye. I hate tie dye
I've been listening to The Cure a lot lately, especially Just Like Heaven, even though it's not my favourite by them.
I got the fourth volume of BSD today.
I'm an atheist and probably always will be, but I find religion very interesting.
I managed to get a brand-new jigsaw from the charity shop for only £3.
"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand
Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"
These lyrics have been stuck in my head all day.
Well, well, look who's inside again, went out to look for a reason to hide again
Today I got some more manga, BSD volume 3 and MP100 volume 9. I also got a Koro sensei keychain.